Mom Shows Communication Between Parents is Difficult

Self-described “bonus mom” Shantel Smith—whom you may recognize from the TV show Survivor—is behind a viral Instagram reel that is about as relatable as it gets. In it, she exposes a communication weak spot many parents experience, no matter their family dynamic.

Using a skit format, we see Smith “forget” to consult her husband before making various parenting decisions, such as suggesting a big Disneyland trip for the family.

“Who wants ice cream for dinner?” she hilariously suggests to a chorus of excited kiddos—as her spouse fumes behind her. Smith even throws out the idea of starting a game of monopoly at bedtime, without Dad’s buy-in.

Smith shared some insight into the reality behind her post in the caption: “​​Co-parenting? Is that what it’s called? Working together you say, as a team? I really did have to learn the hard way about all of this.” 

“Making a promise or a declaration to my kids about really exciting plans, ideas, toys, or hopes for the future without consulting my partner was a big no-no,” she then declared, adding that her husband Jason was very gracious with her as she learned the ropes of parenting as a united front.

Smith also admitted that it wasn’t fair of her to rob her partner of his time in the sun being the fun parent. Finally, she shared how not consulting Jason on his thoughts led to some “hard moments,” though she can laugh at it now.

Indeed, the reel is funny, but as a commenter who says they’re a licensed therapist points out, “This skit hit on a MAJOR problem that I talk to couples about in counseling.”

And judging from the sea of comments that follow, parents really feel this reel, including me! After being married for 17 years, my husband and I are mostly on the same page about raising our kids. But we have different thresholds and pain points, so it’s not as if we never disagree—even in front of the kids. 

How can we ever get it totally right?

Give Yourself Some Grace

For Josette Sullins, CEO of dehp Therapeutic’s licensed integrated clinics, dIT creator, and dehp coach, it’s about giving yourself a little grace.

“Keep in mind you will probably never be on the same exact page as each other regardless of how close you are,” she tells Parents. And guess what? We don’t have to be perfect or handle challenges on the spot, in a movie-ending-worthy manner.

“It is OK to say, ‘mommy and daddy are taking a timeout to discuss that one,” Sullins says about situations that come up. 

Meanwhile, Christine Landis, founder of Peacock Parent Inc., seconds the notion that making a mistake comes with the parenting teamwork territory. Say you put your foot down about sleepovers, but then your partner later brings up some good points about why having just one might be OK. You can switch course, and not lose face with your children.

“Once you’ve been able to talk to your partner privately and understand their perspective, find a compromise—or even reverse the decision entirely,” Landis advises. “Then, own up to it with your kids. Acknowledge that mom and dad have talked and reconsidered some of the options.”

Landis says in these instances, you’re showing your kids what real-life communication and respect looks like in a relationship. “That will be more valuable to them in the long run than any ‘final decision’ that you feel obligated to stand by, and then builds resentment between you and your partner,” she adds.

Of course, discussing the big issues before they even come up is still important, like whether you are open to getting a dog, or if the kids are allowed to have iPads.

Indeed, Tammy Gold LCSW, MSW, CEC, licensed therapist, and parenting coach, says ideally, you want to have those discussions before becoming new parents or at least very early in the process so you can both express your thoughts and find a middle ground. 

If only we could predict every parenting hurdle we face!

Use Planning in Place of Prediction

No matter how many discussions you have with your partner, we all know the unexpected will occur–like the time a kid punched my kindergartner on the playground after school one day! My instinct was to go over and chew the mom out. But then I wondered if it was better to teach my son to deal with this on his own. I didn’t know! My husband was at work, and couldn’t step in.

Gold says in these situations, it’s best to talk on the phone with your partner.

“Do not text. Your tone and sentiments never come through correctly,” she says. 

Sullins suggests taking a beat after that. “Do not make rash decisions, especially when you’re tired, feel outnumbered, or just want your spouse’s support,” she says. 

Remember, you don’t have the right answer on hand for every situation. However, as Sullins points out, the stakes are pretty high when it comes to ultimately showing your child that their parents can offer guidance that’s coordinated.

“Your interaction today can build healthy decision-making skills within your child,” she says.

Seeking Support Should be Part of the Plan

If attempting to get on the same page with your partner—or close—isn’t coming as naturally as you hoped, despite your best efforts, seeking support from other couples or a family counselor can help. After all, as Sullins only half-jokes, “In today’s world, when is it not a good time to seek professional help?” 

Gold points out a few red flags to look out for that indicate professional help is a good next step, including noticing signs of emotional or physical stress in your child, which may be caused by inconsistent parental communication.

If you do go this route, know you are modeling healthy coping skills for your child. When they need more support in the future, they’ll know that it’s not only available to them, but accepted and valued in your family.