Dad’s Gentle Parenting Moment With His Daughter Goes Viral

A dad’s teaching moment with his oldest child has gone viral for all the right reasons. 

Kier Gaines, a psychotherapist based in Washington DC, shared a video on his Instagram account, where he explains his wife caught his conversation with his 6-year-old daughter. The young child was upset after she lost a “fun privilege.” 

“When we make bad decisions, do you know what happens?” Gaines tells his daughter. “It gives us a great opportunity to learn from them. But don’t be mean to yourself because of that. You don’t deserve that.”

His crying daughter responds, “I’m still mad at myself.”

To that, Gaines says, “I know that you’re mad at yourself. It’s a good lesson to learn, baby…it is not the end of the world. It’s just a really trash moment.”

In the caption, Gaines explains, “I’m becoming a fan of allowing my kids to go through and process tough emotions without swooping in to save them necessarily. Just provide a little guidance, reassurance, and love.”

At the time of writing, the video has more than 9.3 million views, 590k likes, and thousands of comments from people commending this dad on his parenting. Many also chimed in to say they wished they had conversations like these with their parents when they were growing up. 

Leading up to the conversation, Gaines tells Parents he and his daughter, Emery, were supposed to go to a father-daughter dance at her ballet school. At the last minute, Emery told her mom and dad she didn’t want to attend. “We tried to persuade and convince her, but she seemed quite firm in saying, ‘No,’” he explains. “To the point of tears actually.”

Later on, Gaines received a video from another dad who was at the event, which even to Gaines’ surprise, looked like a good time.

“The music, the decorations, and activities were more unconventional than I expected,” he says. His daughter also saw the video and noticed how fun it seemed. “She did not take it well,” says Gaines. “This also comes at the heels of her learning similar tough lessons in a similar way a few other times last month.”

‘It’s OK To Feel Your Feelings’

Gaines, also a dad of a 2-year-old, could’ve brushed his daughter off or reminded her it was her decision not to go. Instead, he took a gentler approach and created an important teaching moment: it’s OK to feel your feelings but remember to learn from them. It’s a lesson his daughter can hold onto well into adulthood.

Many adults, Gaines believes, are plagued by their self-defeating thoughts.

“We simply do not get the kind of practice that helps us sit with and learn from them without mercilessly beating ourselves up in the process,” he says. “I think helping my kids establish the distinction between doing something ‘bad’ and being a bad person will help them better compartmentalize those feelings in the future. It gives them more cubbies and drawers to store complicated feelings in while they try to sort them out.”

Gaines says he and his wife, both former educators, are focused on teaching their kids to put words to their feelings. It’s something Gaines says he learned from his own mother who emphasized emotional awareness when he was growing up. 

“Perhaps, the gentle parenting comes in with my legitimate curiosity around how my children feel and my firm, warm reassurance,” he says. “In my mind love is honesty, and failure isn’t always something to be protected from. We try to model that along with mutual respect.”

He emphasizes that this type of parenting doesn’t always work or may not always feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but it can be worth it in the long run.

What Is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting, a calmer, more collaborative style that focuses on connection and communication, has gained a lot of attention in recent years. A recent survey found that 3 in 4 millennial parents say they practice gentle parenting. This type of parenting has been found to help kids learn to regulate emotions and develop self-esteem.

But in this fast-paced society where many parents are stressed and tired much of the time, gentle parenting isn’t always easy to do. Gaines wants to remind parents that’s OK.

“Parenting is an unreasonable ask more often than not, and you may not always be in a place to slow it down and explain it calmly in great detail. That is simply not realistic. This video is a small piece of one of my best moments,” shares Gaines. “Just remember, we do what we think is best in the moment. We are wrong sometimes, and that is OK. It’s all a part of being human, so don’t beat yourself up for that.”

For parents who want to take a similar approach with their children, Gaines offers some tips:

• Find the right words. After something happens with a child, it’s OK for parents to take a moment and come back with a response after giving it some thought. “You may not always have the words in the moment,” he says. “There is this incessant hurry associated with parenthood and sometimes it’s self-imposed.”
• Look at the whole picture. When your child is acting out, Gaines shares this idea, “This may impact me, but this is not about me.” 
• Be patient. Sometimes, it will take several different conversations to get through to a child. “Don’t hold yourself to the expectation of causing immediate change,” says Gaines. “It’s an unrealistic and unsustainable expectation.”