Is Summer Spawning Sibling Squabbles and Bad Behavior?

Just a few months ago, I wrote about how I planned to let my kids get bored this summer instead of overscheduling them for classes and camps. Since school let out a month ago, they have indeed been challenged to fill the downtime. I’ve enjoyed watching them use their imagination-building and pretend-playing skills, or take pleasure in simple endeavors like reading and baking.

What I haven’t loved so much? The fact that so much togetherness seems to breed constant sibling squabbles and even a bit of hostility toward myself and my husband.

Sure, my five kids fight a fair amount during the school year (they’re normal kids!), but the summer seems to have turned up the intensity (and volume) of their bickering. It’s becoming an hourly occurrence that I’m breaking up fights over one Matchbox car between my 6- and 3-year-old sons (P.S., we have dozens of others). As for my older girls, who range in age from 10 to 15, they are on one another’s nerves as often as they get a new message on Snapchat.

Meanwhile, nothing I’m doing to restore peace in our home seems to be working. Threats of no ice cream after dinner, or taking away devices fall flat. So, before infighting and talking back totally takes over our summer, I talked to several experts to find out why some kids tend to act out more during the summer months, and what parents can do to regain control.

Why Some Kids Behave Badly Over the Summer

Tracee Perryman, PhD, author of Elevating Futures: A Model For Empowering Black Elementary Student Success and CEO and co-founder of Center of Hope Family Services, says it’s important to think about how structure and other potential positive influences are lost over the summer, which can lead to less-than-stellar behavior.

“When summer break begins, it is tempting to create a super relaxed environment for children,” she tells Parents. “However, children thrive under structure and a daily schedule, which they receive when they are at school.”

Furthermore, kids are surrounded by same-aged peers and receive daily intellectual and physical stimulation.

Nicole O’Donnell, PhD, an assistant professor at Washington State University’s Edward R. Murrow College of Communication, agrees that a change in routine as summer kicks off can lead to restlessness, acting out, and more arguments.

“Less time spent with friends or interacting with teachers means that children may seek more attention from their parents,” she says. “The structure and predictability of school are critical for young people’s wellbeing, and summer can be challenging for both parents and kids.”

Dr. O’Donnell also explains that when screen time replaces learning and socialization, kids may act differently. If you notice that your child seems anxious or exhibits notable shifts in behavior, it’s time to reexamine screen use.

Meanwhile, board-certified clinical psychologist and author of Hello Baby, Goodbye Intrusive Thoughts, Jenny Yip, PsyD, makes an interesting argument for why kids aren’t really acting worse over the summer. As she questions, “Are your kids really misbehaving more during the summer, or is it just that you’re noticing their behaviors more because you’re spending more time with them?”

Either way, are we as parents getting it wrong when it comes to summer discipline strategies?

Why Parents’ Disciplinary Measures May Not Curb the Chaos

In order to understand how to get it right with reinstating order in the kingdom, first, we as parents, have to know why what we’re doing isn’t cutting it. Chief among ineffective disciplinary measures? Losing your temper, and leveling empty threats against your battling brood.

“Yelling can be particularly harmful, as it’s linked to anxiety, depression, and lower self-esteem in children. Not only that, but it also teaches children that yelling is OK,” says Amy Jackson, PhD, MBA the Chief Early Learning Strategy Officer for Primrose Schools.

Dr. Jackson adds that threats such as, “If you don’t stop, we’re not going to the beach next week!” aren’t helpful either. “In fact, they have the opposite effect, because parents rarely follow through—and the consequence is conceptually unrelated to the negative behavior in a child’s mind,” she explains.

Meanwhile, Dr. Perryman points out that not clearly setting and reinforcing expectations sets families up for disaster.

“Oftentimes, we wait until we are frustrated or fed up to deliver consequences,” she relatably says. “At the same time, we do not always reward good behavior consistently.”

Guilty as charged? Well, me too. But don’t worry. There are ways we can address conflict within the home and hopefully enjoy the rest of the summer rather than count down the days until it’s over.

What Parents Can Do To Break the Vicious Cycle

Dr. O’Donnell offers some good news when it comes to sibling squabbles.

“It’s important to recognize that some level of sibling conflict is normal and can even be beneficial for developing conflict resolution skills,” she says. But when it all gets to be too much, Dr. O’Donnell encourages parents to focus on modeling positive conflict resolution and communication.

To that end, Gigi Schweikert, CEO of Lightbridge Academy, says, “Self-regulation is important. Manage your own stress and reactions to model calm and composed behavior in front of your children. Also, remember to take breaks when conflicts escalate.”

That may mean taking a beat to calm down before addressing the latest issue (think Charlotte York hiding out in the pantry when Lily got paint on her white Valentino skirt!). 

Schweikert offers another great piece of advice around this common dilemma, telling Parents, “When you can identify triggers, you can minimize specific scenarios that lead to conflicts or talking back.”

Ultimately, all the experts we spoke to agree that a change in structure leads to kids acting out in many cases. So, Dr. Perryman urges parents not only to set clear expectations of behavior but to plan age-appropriate activities for kids throughout the summer.

The other advice I heard a lot? Have fun! That’s right; Dr. O’Donnell encourages families to plan fun bonding activities such as a board game night, movie, dinner, or picnic.

As Hailey Chamberlain, Community Engagement Specialist at Washington Virtual Academies, underscores, “Remember it is summer and time for fun in the sun and for kids to enjoy it. When things do feel frustrating, take a moment to pause as a parent, reset, and enjoy the time together that you have.”

Indeed, back-to-school time will be here before we know it! And while that may seem like a hallelujah moment during particularly tension-filled afternoons, you know you’ll miss the bustling bedlam that summer brings once the house is ghostly quiet again. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself!