Why do Women Lose their Sexual Desire?

Probably not, since it’s not something you hear much talk about.

When Lyndsey Harper, MD, first went into practice as an OB/GYN, she saw scores of women who complained about problems in the bedroom — the most common one being what they considered low sexual desire. But, though Harper had been to medical school, no one had ever taught her how to address these problems. They never talked about this in medical school.

“I had to spend 2 weeks in an erectile dysfunction clinic as a medical student, but I have no comparable training on the women’s health side, even though my focus was women’s health,” says Harper, who created Rosy, a sexual wellness app for women. “I had not been trained in how to help women with these problems and that’s the experience of most OB/GYNs across the country.”

You’re not. Not by far. Up to 1 in 3 women between the ages of 30 and 59 experience what they perceive to be low libido at some point in their lives. The cause — and the possible causes are numerous — determines how you should deal with it. But, experts say, a little reading and education can go a very long way.

The spontaneous kind just arises … er … spontaneously. This might be the kind of sex drive people associate with hormonal teenagers and 20-somethings. That sudden desire for sex that just washes over you seemingly out of nowhere. You know … feeling horny.

Some women don’t feel this type of desire much after their teens and 20s. Some women don’t feel spontaneous desire at all. They only ever feel the other kind: responsive desire.

This kind of desire, as the name suggests, arises in response to some outside stimulus. It happens when you get turned on while you read an erotic story or watch a sexy movie or feel the touch of someone you’re sexually attracted to. In this one, arousal comes first and then the desire for sex and the going after it.

Simply knowing this, Harper says, helps many women realize that they don’t really have a problem at all.

“If you do have responsive desire, then you can seek things out that your body physically responds to and induce that arousal,” Harper says. “Then you feel the physical symptoms of arousal that send the message to those neurotransmitters in the brain that then say ‘Hey, we do desire sex.’ This is why erotica works.”

“When we talk about low sexual desire, it’s only defined personally,” Harper says. “Low sexual desire is when your desire for sex is lower than you would like it to be or lower than it was in the past and that decline in desire is bothersome for you. It has to be bothersome to you in order for it to be a problem.”

In fact, don’t rush to assume that you alone are the problem at all. Studies show that in heterosexual relationships, women frequently take the blame for a dip in sexual activity that’s actually the result of a host of problems related to both members of the couple. Unfortunately, there isn’t similar research on women whose partner isn’t a man.

For starters, people’s desire for each other is at its highest early in the relationship during a phase called limerance.

“It’s that obsessive phase in a relationship when you can’t keep your hands off each other, but most people don’t know that it’s natural for that to last just 6 months to 2 years,” says Laurie Mintz, PhD, a sex therapist and author of the books Becoming Cliterate and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. “So, when it ends, people miss that and may think ‘Oh my god, what’s wrong with me?’”

In fact, research shows that reading about sex works. In a study of about 50 married women ages 30 to 55 with self-reported diminished sex drive, half the women had 6 weeks to read a sexual self-help book for women and the other half had 6 weeks to read a book of erotica written for women. Across both groups, women who completed the study reported increased sexual satisfaction, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, and overall sexual function, and decreased sexual pain. Although the study didn’t include women who aren’t married to their partner, it stands to reason that reading erotica of their choosing could work for them, too.

The biggest myth, Mintz says, is that women should be able to have an orgasm through penetration alone. The fact that so many people believe this, she says, is keeping women from enjoying sex and thereby diminishing their desire for it.

“Who would want to have sex if they’re not enjoying it? If we could correct this one misunderstanding, there would be far fewer women saying that something was wrong with them,” Mintz says.

Just educating yourself about spontaneous versus responsive desire, the limerent phase of a relationship, and women’s sexual pleasure — that is, that the vast majority of women need external clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm — can lead many women to realize that they don’t have any sexual problem at all.

If reading about sex, whether in the form of self-help or erotica, works for you, you may need look no further for solutions to your problems in the bedroom.

About 1 in 10 women have a condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. This is an ongoing and bothersome lack of interest in or desire for sex for no known reason. Again, it’s only a problem if it bothers you. The FDA has approved two prescription medications for women, sometimes dubbed “female Viagra,” that may help: injectable bremelanotide (Vyleesi) and oral flibanserin (Addyi).

But before you chalk your concerns up to HSDD and look into prescription drugs, doctors will want to rule out some of the commonly known reasons for loss of sexual desire.

“Exercise is a stress reliever. It’s good for orgasms. It gets the blood flowing. And yoga, in particular, teaches you mindfulness and, at the same time, one study found that women over 45 who practice yoga are more orgasmic,” Mintz says.

Another tip she offers for the overstressed is to schedule sex. No, it doesn’t sound very sexy. But rather than think of it like another business meeting on your calendar, she says, “Think of it as a tryst — a planned meeting between lovers. This allows you to plan, save the energy, fantasize, and do whatever you need to do to get into that headspace.”

“If a partner has a sexual problem, that can turn into your sexual dysfunction over time,” Harper says.

Body image problems can take a toll on your sex drive, too. You could be unhappy with the way you look because of weight loss, weight gain, or illness, and not want to be physically intimate. Or if you’ve had a mastectomy or surgery to remove reproductive organs, this can change the way you see yourself sexually.

Some of these issues may require therapy, either individually or with your partner, and addressing them could help you get your sex life to where you want it to be.

The constellation of issues that arise during these major life changes may require a multifaceted approach that could include therapy, couples counselling, lubrication, hormone replacement therapy, and pelvic floor exercises.

In most cases, there are many different kinds of medications to treat the same condition. So, if you think your desire for sex dropped after you started taking a new medication, ask your doctor whether the sexual side effects will go away or whether you can switch to something else. But don’t just stop taking your medications. The consequences of untreated illnesses can be worse than low sexual desire, and untreated illnesses can take a toll on sex drive, too.

Case in point: “People who have untreated depression have worse sexual function than people who are treated,” Harper says.

You may learn that what you thought was a sex problem was just a misconception. Or maybe it’s something more than that.

“Some sexual problems benefit from a multidisciplinary approach,” Harper says. “The woman empowers herself through education. The physician oversees medication changes. The therapist is looking after the relationship or attitudes about sex.”